I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
