i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize