She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
