went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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