I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
