So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
