I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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