i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
