The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
