no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
