I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
