I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am available for nakedness
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize