Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize