i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
