i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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