i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
