You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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