The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
