Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize