dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
