I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
bring money and cleavage
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
