There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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