My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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