Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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