the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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