My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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