I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
