I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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