I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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