Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
