tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
