Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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