I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
