you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
