he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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