i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
