mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We talked him into tasing himself.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize