tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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