you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
