In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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