his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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