Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize