I will die if light touches me.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
