i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize