Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
