so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
