Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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