My sheets look like a crime scene.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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