It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
