And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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