capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
