We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
