i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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