hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
