i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
