apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
