Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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