just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
