If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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