my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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