I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
