I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
