Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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