My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize