I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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