I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
