My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
