You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
