I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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