when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
