if only i could text you this smell
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
